I went to church last night. I haven’t gone since I was really really young. It was the most awkward thing. Once I walked in, everyone was staring at me. I honestly didn’t even know what to wear, what to say, and how to talk everyone. It was weird for me because everyone was so genuine and nice. I haven’t seen that in a while. I could feel like and could tell. I told myself I was going to stay in church if there was a cutie and… there was LOL. Meant to be. The sad part is he reminds me of a friend of mines. One that passed away recently. One that I thought was cute and he thought I was too. J. (I’ll mention him in my next post)
When I was sitting on the bench in the church during the ceremony, preachings, and the choir singing. I was staring at the cutie I saw at church. I kept staring at him and staring at him. He almost caught me looking at him actually but I turned my gaze on something else real quick. I kept staring at him because somehow when I looked at him I saw J. The longer I stared the clearer I saw J. I have a soft spot for alot of people that come into my life. People just don’t realize how sensitive I can be at times because I conceal it. It makes me people think I’m cold-hearted and that’s okay. I didn’t know if I was tearing about J or if it was because of what my mom said.
My mom sat to my right and my dad sat to my left. The minister sat behind me. While the choir was singing I could hear my mom discussing about L (my sister) to the minister. She was telling him how she and my dad want her to be able to follow the missionaries and go knock on doors. She was saying she needs to get out more so she can get better. It’ll help her. At the moment I heard that I decided to just tune myself out. I didn’t want to listen anymore. At this moment I was pinching myself so I would feel pain somewhere else so I wouldn’t cry. My eyes were welling up but I stopped myself.
My sister L is schizophrenic. I’ve talked about her in previous posts so I don’t want to go in much detail. The fact that my mom said she’ll get better by going to these missions and placing her in these things to make her “better” hurt me. I’m not saying that the activities my church does is wrong, I think it’s actually great for L. It’s the fact that she’s getting delusional. The fact that she willing to believe anything and everything will work for L. It’s great to have such high hopes but you need to consider the realistic solutions. She’s not taking the realistic approach and accepting the fact that she needs to accept L like this. My mom has tried several treatments, on her discretion, on my sister. It’s lead to serious problems and I was there to help and fix it. I’ve seen it all. The worst possible situation. I was there. All I do is give my poker face and act like I’m alright when it’s happening infront of my face when I’m killing in the inside. That I feel so bad that she has to go through it that sometimes I wish it was me instead of her because I feel like I could overcome it. I don’t cry or show that I’m upset infront of my family because I don’t want them to know how hurt and much it has affected me. I don’t want them to worry. I guess I’m not still not okay with L’s situation because I’m still crying as I write about it. It’s too bad cause I thought I was really was. All I can do is expect the worst and hope for the best.
I think god lets things happen for a reason. Puts in you a situation for a reason. Let’s things happen to you for a reason. It shapes the person who you are. It puts you in perspective of what is really important in your life. Without L, I don’t think I would have such a determination to succeed. I want the job I also want but that is able to support my entire family; L, my mom, my dad, and my grandma. I want them to live in ease without worry. I want L to work under me so I can watch her and make sure no one is mistreating her. I want my mom and dad to live in ease and without worry because I’ll take care of L. I want my grandma to stop hurting and focus her energy on other things.
Right now, I believe these are just lessons I need to overcome. It’ll only make me stronger, more compassionate, more caring, and more ambitious.