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Have you ever met a guy that is exactly what you wanted on paper? I met him. His name is K. I first met him by another girlfriend of mines. She introduced me to him. We all had the same class together. We had always noticed him in class but we didn’t know him but then my girlfriend met him through one of her friends that semester. I never really thought of him as much. When my gf would ask me about him if I thought he was ugly or not. I would say ugly. Just because I know she would have told me to go for him and one of her gfs actually liked him so I didn’t want her to tell her gf that I think he’s cute. Why? Cause this bitch is crazy LOL She’s a girl you don’t want to get on the bad side of and apparently she was obsessed with him. I just didn’t want to deal with the drama. I don’t think it’s ever worth it to fight over a guy. I just think it’s dumb.

After meeting we would always sit with K and his friends on break. We all would talk about the most random things and laugh about it. I was genuinely laughing. I was actually enjoying my time at school for once. I always felt I never fit in school.  K then asked us to go to a house party of a friend of his. That’s where I met E. LOL.. I’ll tell you about him next time he gives me a headache and he’s a little bitch. He caused me alot of drama. That’s all I’m going to say about E for now. We started drinking and midway through the night E and K were asking me about what I thought of them. I tried to divert the conversation saying I only like a particular ethnicity. They then go find that guy at the party and tell me he can be whatever I want him to be LOL They told me he thought I was hot which was the funniest thing ever haha. All in all I had a really good time there.

At the end of night K called me when I got home. We talked all night until he had work in the morning without sleep. It didn’t even feel like we talked all night. He was asking me questions about what type of guys I like and what I thought about E. E was cute btw. I even got deep with him to why I wasn’t dating anyone and why I haven’t dated anyone. Past relationships. And I even talked about my family which was fucked because I realized I slipped it to him. We never had a thing after that. I realized now that maybe he was trying to get to know me for himself but realized that he wasn’t my type.  When he called that night I always thought he was doing that because of E but when I look back at all the things we did and all the things that happened I realized maybe he was trying to go for me. I just never took notice. I remember after that call I was talking to my close gf. I would be like oh he’s such a good guy. Like I never met someone so like me and has the same type of sense of humour. We get along and we laugh about the same jokes. I never felt so comfortable with someone. I was saying how he would be such a good boyfriend. I knew he would be a good boyfriend because even when I talked to him about his exe’s he would never say anything bad. My close gf would tell me he obviously has a thing for me because why would a guy stay on the phone with me that long. Then she asked me “do you like K?” I’m like no!! But I really did have a smile on my face.  I knew he was good for me. I guess I just wanted him to try for me harder.

I’ll give you guys all the down low that happened between me and him…
K and me were at the club one time. We were together dancing and somehow I think I grabbed his hand and we were holding hands. But the thing is holding hands with guys for me was a normal thing because I’m such a flirt so it wasn’t a big deal for me. I just remembered at that moment I couldn’t hold his hand and I let go because I didn’t want to do that to him. He was a good guy and I didn’t want to mess that up. I don’t fuck around with good guys because I don’t want to ruin them for someone else. I remember the stare he gave me when I let go of his hand. Like the wtf? Face LOL I felt bad that’s why I got my gf to grab me and pull me away because I needed to let go of his hand. I was actually there at that club because of another guy I had a thing with, L(explain next time). I was dancing with L too. After that I was with L and I messaged K to say I’m leaving and I told him to come say goodbye to me before I left. I literally flirted infront of L and his buddy J (who I also used to have a fling with LOL) with K right infront of their faces. I didn’t care about L and J because they’re both players. I ended up leaving with L. My girlfriend told me K asked if I left with that L. So obviously he cared about where I went. I remember that night when I was at L’s he called me and I picked up and he asked where I was. I told him I was at a buddy’s of mine and he told me to come over and drink with his friends. I told him maybe. He kept me calling that night. I never really thought of it as much but now when now I think about it I really do think he was interested in me. I remember that other time when I went to a girlfriend’s birthday he came in with his bestfriend S (who I talked about in the last blog) and we started talking to them. We were drinking and I hit it off with his best friend S. I remember me and S were on the couch laughing and talking while K was sitting around us. I felt K was just staring at us flirting with eachother the whole time.  I remember glancing at him and he was looking bored and uninterested in doing anything. I never really thought of it as much though. We also used to karaoke together. I remember flirting with him the whole time. When I flirt, I just take it as joking around and just being friendly because that’s what I do with my close girls. We were singing together and S saw us and he was trying to get my attention. It was weird. That’s basically the whole downlow on what happened between me and K.

The time I realized I was interested in K was really weird. I was at a party that he invited us to. I was hammered at that time and I remember looking at him and he actually looked good to me for once and I felt like I wanted something more from him. I think it’s the fact that he’s everything I want on paper. I was too scared to ever initiate anything though with him or keep flirting with him because I didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I thought he would just think of me like I’m being weird or not gf material you know. I didn’t want to mess up what could possibly be a good thing. I wanted more experience about how to be in a relationship before getting into one with someone I think I could really like.

So why am I talking about K? It’s cause I hanged out with him today. We went to the movies. Midway in the movie when I was sitting next to him it made me think. I could now tell that he was not interested in me anymore like he used to be. He’s seen me at my worst and at my sluttiest. He obviously doesn’t want that in a girl and it made me think. What was I doing? I used to act slutty and flirt with alot of guys because I tried to make them jealous. I used it partly for my own ego too and that I liked the attention but I realize now it’s giving me a bad rep. It was fun not going to lie but it gives the people the wrong impression of you. I even had guys that know the other side of me tell me that I shouldn’t act the way i‘m acting if I want a good guy because no good guy wants a girl like that. I could tell now that K probably thinks I’m a slut and a big flirt and that I probably mess around with a shitload of guys even though I don’t. I realized I fucked up because I lost my chance.

However I’m not going to prove myself to him because he’s already made his judgement about me. If he wants to keep getting to know me then he’ll know the real me. I only used guys to keep my mind off things when bad/serious things were happening in my life. I act in two ways when something really bad happens in my life; act slutty or psycho when I’m drunk. I could tell he wasn’t as interested in me as before. I cared about what he thought of me only because if he ever decided to go for me before I probably would have went for it. The funny thing is I did have that chance. I was just afraid. Not afraid to fall for him but because of that crazy bitch LOL. Well partly I’m afraid to let myself go to someone too though.

Seeing K today made me realize that maybe I should re-evaluate myself. Not for him but what I want and for myself. I don’t want to be considered a slut because of the all things I did but at the same time I don’t want to care about how my rep looks because that what other people think of me. I know who I am and the people closest to me know who I am too. I get judged alot and people’s judgements are pretty wrong about me. My close girlfriends always tell people who don’t know me well that judge me that I’m not what they think I am. That I’m the complete opposite. I don’t want to have to prove myself to anyone. If they want to get know me past my image they will be surprised about how I’m actually like. It’s true you really can’t judge a book by its cover. I don’t feel like I owe anyone the need to prove myself to them; that I look like bitch that likes drama and is a slut. In reality I’m a good girl at heart, want the best for my family and closest friends, want to succeed in life, want the career of my dreams, volunteer, and help the people who are most unfortunate on my spare time. I don’t brag about these things because why would I? I don’t want to feel the need to tell people the good things I do just to make myself look good. The only exception where I’ll brag and talk good about myself is when I’m trying to GET A JOB LOL That’s the only time to be a cocky bitch. Cocky does get you to places girls 😉 I guess I am kind of a slut in reality. I make out with guys, sometimes random guys that I think are cute. I sleep in their beds without doing anything. I can be with one guy at this time and another later on. But I don’t fuck around and do anything sexual with a guy. No offense it’s not fun being good all the time. YOLO# LOL just joking don’t use yolo to be a hoe.

K is a good guy and he is what I want in the list I wrote about what I want in a guy. He’s nice, smart, caring, family-oriented, knows he wants, has morals, ambitious, outgoing, funny, can take a joke, stupid-gay like I am, not scared to make fun of you, innocent, respectful, doesn’t talk bad about his exes, trustworthy, honest, sweet, kind of shy, cute, doesn’t gossip, and has a bunch of good friends.  On the bad side, he can be kind of cheap, he seems like he would get mad about little things, and doesn’t seem like he wants a relationship right now. Not many cons really. First glance honestly I never thought I would ever think of him like this but I guess personality really does conquer looks. In reality, all I really want in a guy is to be my bestfriend, make me feel beautiful, have ambitions, is trustworthy and honest. That’s all I really ask for.

xoxo

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