I had my second counselling appointment yesterday. That’s the whole reason why I actually started this blog. I felt like I should be completely honest with myself because bottling things up and not expressing yourself completely- the selfish, the bad, the hurt, the pride, everything really affects you even if you don’t realize it.
I never told people how I actually felt because I knew it would have affected how someone would look at me as a person or as a friend. I didn’t want to say something because sometimes what I want and what I want to say isn’t the RIGHT thing to say. I cared so much about how other people thought of me but it made me realize noone’s going to like you for you if you don’t show them the real you.
Everyone needs to realize that it’s true no one is perfect. Some people can be the worse people but are your best friends and that someone is going to accept you. So don’t be afraid to show your flaws, your hurt, your selfishness, your bad habits, your insecurities, because the only person who’s going to hurt from these secrets is you not anybody else. So do what’s good for you and not for someone else. And no I’m not trying to be cliche because trust me I’ve been that girl that was skeptical of this type of shit and even I’m starting to realize “to just be you.” Because it made me realize people LOVE me when I’m really myself- the vulgar, honest, blunt, jokester, kind, rude, caring, dependable, selfish, down, hyper, energetic, optimistic, happy friend I am.
I realized talking to my counsellor the second time that I was normal. There was nothing wrong with me. The reason I got so down last time was because I made myself so down. That’s when I started to realize that it’s all in my head. It’s funny how you think your thoughts won’t affect you, but in all honesty each and every single one of them do. The more you dwell on it, the more you think about it, it more it will get to you.
Let’s just say this appointment I had with her was completely different from the first time I saw her. I was normal, content, and happy. Last time I saw her I broke down in tears in 3 minutes lol just non-stop crying and saying everything I could about myself in a hour (yes cause I was cheap). There wasn’t much for me to talk about to her this time. I felt like there were some awkward pauses because I was scrambling for problems to say LOL. This time some of her advice felt like things I already knew I could do and that I’ve tried. That’s when I started to realize how small my problems were. She did get me deep though. I didn’t think I was going to cry this time but I did. Yeah.. I’m a crybaby 😥 I know. She made me realize that I still wasn’t okay with some things because I reacted so strongly about it that it made me cry. The three things that made me cry?
1. My sister L
2. L’s and my parent’s future
3. My insecurity that I’ve always felt like the ugly girl
I know the degree of how much something hurts me when I realize I start to fumble, start to cry, and can’t speak when I try talking about it. The strongest one that made me cry? Number 3.
This is how it all started. I was always known as one of the girls who were with the popular girls. Everyone thought we were cute, nice, outgoing, and funny. I entered highschool. I remember entering and cliques were formed. Everyone was starting fresh and no one was popular like they were in elementary. By the next week guys were already rating the girls in our grade. I hear from somebody who tells us the rating of all the girls. They told my girls each one of them what people thought of them. They got cute, hot, pretty. Me? I got ugly. Of course this made me sad. I didn’t even want to talk to anybody after that. But high school just got worse. I remember walking down the halls and some guys that were friends with me came up to me and straight up told me I was ugly to my face. This was the first time I heard something that hurt me SO MUCH. It was like a pain I never got before. A sharp pain in your heart. Your heart starts racing and sinks. I’ve had other times were I would hear guys talk about how ugly they thought I was but I would pass by and pretend I never heard it when I really did. There were days in the mornings that I wished for no guy or girl to call me ugly today and it would be a good day. I hated boys at one point. I even had a mental breakdown and actually cried in my washroom and locked myself in with music playing loudly so noone would hear me crying. (That’s actually how I deal with my problems now) I would tell myself that I was fat and ugly til I started crying.
I always had a positive outlook on life that when people said things like this it didn’t mean anything and that was just their opinion. But I got so much reassurance that I was ugly how could I not believe it? My dad, my brother, my cousins, my own friends, boys at my highschool, my close cousin would all tell me and they wouldn’t just tell me once.
Suddenly when I started putting makeup on everyone started to notice me. People started thinking I was pretty. I never really thought of it as much because I didn’t really believe it myself so hearing I was pretty didn’t really touch me – I didn’t feel it was geniune that they were just saying it because they felt bad for me that I would always hear ugly and that maybe if they said it to me I would feel better.
This insecurity has lead to all sorts of other issues for me. Not being able to go outside without my “face” on because people would say things about it. Not being able to have a boyfriend because I don’t want them to see me without makeup. Not being able to swim and go on overnight trips because I was afraid of people seeing me without makeup. Not being able to go outside without makeup because I was afraid I would bump into someone I know. It made me afraid to be myself that I would always have to be that “people pleaser” because I didn’t want to offend anybody. But the truth is you can be a people pleaser and always be on everyones good side and everyone is okay with you and never gets close to you or you could really be true to yourself with your emotions, your goods and bads, your insecurities, and not please anybody and realize some people will not like you and hate you, but some people are going to like you and LOVE you. And the second one sound’s a lot more pleasing and a lot less boring to me.
It also now made me realize that this encouraged the way I deal with problems that really hurt me. I deal with the situation myself and alone. I don’t tell people my feelings and I deal with it myself.It still brings to tears when I talk about this because I realize how much it affected me but it gets easier with time and acknowledging it and telling someone. I cry as much as possible til I can’t anymore in the washroom and lock myself in there for hours playing loud music til I feel fine. Cut everyone out. Turn off my cellphone. Turn off all social interactions. It’s funny how I read this and realize what I actually do and how much of a DRAMA QUEEN I am. LOl its like I want people to realize I’m upset but maybe I do. And all I’m asking is for attention but I’m too afraid to ask for it?I hated that I was missing out on alot of things because of the way I thought of myself as and I hated it and regret it so much. But I got to take baby steps to get where I want to be and to change because noone else is going to do it for me.
But to everything bad thing there is always a good thing. This self-esteem issue with feeling insecure in my own body and face has made me realize not to judge anybody by their looks, to consider everyone beautiful because they are in some way, to care about people’s feelings when it doesn’t seem like anybody knows/cares, to surround myself around people that want me for my personality and not looks, and to do the same with others. Because I’ve been that girl so I do know both sides of the story. So maybe it was a lesson, right God? I do hate you for it! Not going to lie LOL but it taught me a great lesson and I’ll continue to work on it until I feel completely self-confident inside. Thanks for teaching me to be humble… the hard way.
And thanks Dee for helping me realize what I need to do and what to work on… because I’m really on the way of finding myself.