I woke up feeling alot better about myself today. T was coming over and with him I could really be myself and say what I want to say without being judged. I admit that I say things sometimes to please who I’m with. Like for instance, T likes pokemon and I think its alright.. LOL I’m not crazy over it like I’ll try to be interested in it but I’m not going to play it on my own time. Anyways, before T came over today I told him I was going to a counselling appointment and what I liked most about him is that he didn’t ask me why even though I mentioned how people would ask me that if I said I was going to counselling. So I left to go to my counselling appointment with my mamabear. She drove me there I felt no rush, no stress even though I was late and she driving ridiculously slow, I didn’t complain. I simply just called Dee(my counsellor) and told her I will be there in five minutes. It was freezing walking there, not only that but I got lost for 2 minutes. Clumsy me.
I finally reached her place and I was about to buzz in. I turned around because I heard a woman’s calling me. I see Dee with her dog. It was my first time meeting her, but I recognized her from a photo I’ve seen of her. I saw her and I was like you’re DRESSED LIKE THAT?! LOL (I didn’t say that to her, but I was thinking that) No joke first thing I looked at were hideous moon boots, no hate just not my style haha. I followed her upstairs, talked to her the whole way there like I just met her and trying to get to know her. We sat down in room that clearly had a layout of a counselling office. We started talking. In around 2 minutes I swear I couldn’t hold my tears and started crying this time I didn’t bother to try to stop like I usually do. I’ve been feeling like crying for no reason for a few days now. She asked what was my problem even though she knew parts of my issue from our consultation. I told her that I feel emotionless and that I have no motivation no more like I used to. I don’t feel like going to school, going to work, going to volunteer, going out. I don’t feel like going on my phone either. Somehow it got to me talking about family problems. I told her that I told friends that I had family problems but I wouldn’t never tell them the details. I told her that honestly my close girls don’t even know much about what happened and only a few of them know but in actuality only J really knows (but even she doesn’t really know the full details). I don’t tell the rest of them because I feel like they don’t care about my situation or don’t ever ask me how my family’s like or if I’m okay to just check up with me. Like when I tell them they don’t know what to say or they’ll just be like “aw.” I don’t expect them to know what to say to me but checking up with me would be nice sometimes. I’m not saying they don’t care about me because I know they really do, they’re like sisters to me and I’m blessed to have them in my life really. My counsellor Dee continued on asking questions about me. She asked do you confide in your mom or your dad or someone in your family about this issue or anything. I’m like no I keep it a secret that I’m hurt and how much my sister’s issue was really affecting me because I don’t want them to feel like they have to worry about me too. They have enough to worry about. She was like so you don’t tell anyone how you feel. I’m like yeah I don’t. It’s really difficult for me to trust someone. Like none of my friends see me cry. I would just cry to myself in a room and blast my music as loud as I could so noone would hear me cry and cry until I’m over it and can move on like nothing happened. We kept talking about my sister and everything. I told her I don’t know if that’s the reason why I’m acting like this that I’m unsocial and quiet now. She asked me about my relationship with my mom and my dad. I told her that I was closer to my dad because we would always joke around, have the same type of humour, but we were distant. She asked me if I would ever go coffee with my dad. I’m like no that’s just awkward. There’s nothing to really talk about and we would be silent most of the times. Then I told her about my relationship with my mom and told her it wasn’t the best.
I always thought of my grandmother as more of a mother to me. I’m scared of losing her someday. She always gave the best advice, always told me to be non-judgemental towards people no matter who they are, always told me to marry someone that treats me right, is a good guy, that loves me for me, and told me he doesn’t have to be rich because money doesn’t buy you happiness. She was never afraid to show me her real emotions about my sister’s situation. It really affected everyone in my family. She was always happy for me for the littlest things and really proud of me for it when noone else was. Always asked me about personal questions, about guys and life. Tell me stories about her life back in the day and that we should be very thankful about how fortunate we are. She told me that you can’t expect much from people just befriend them and be nice and see how it goes and let yourself be surprised. She always told me to take the highroad in fights because you never know who you will need in the future, so try not to offend anyone.She told me she wasn’t the smartest girl that she would get bitched at for doing things wrong, but she said to never give up and keep doing what you were doing, just try harder and harder. One thing I really love about her is her morals, I want to be just like her when I grow up and grow old. I still want to live in a big house, have nice cars, great lifestyle, love life and wahtever of course still haha. I want to volunteer when I have time, grow old with wisdom and kindness, donate whenever I can, and do things without ever complaining just like her. I really adore her. I really felt like she taught me the things about life that I really truly believe I should live by.
I told Dee that while I was growing up I always told myself I never wanted to grow up like my mother. That she was everything I didn’t want to be. Our session was only an hour long so I didn’t go into too much detail. But after that whole session, she told me I seemed lost, confused, afraid, depressed, numb, and guilty. She told me that I’m allowed to feel and make mistakes. She then left me with some homework exercises to do.
I’ll go into a little more detail about my sister and my mom’s relationship in the next blog! A little too tired to really write right now.