C

I’m so confused about you but like you so much at the same time. I didn’t realize that until I was really frustrated that tears flowed through my eyes thinking of you. Scared and a little heartbroken to think of the possibility losing you or leaving you. I wish you would fix your cheap ways. To be more generous. And smart with your money. I know you don’t have to tell me how you spend your money but if I’m showing you how special you are to me on certain holidays or dates I assume the same back. I know you like me a lot but it is a turn off when you’re cheap and feel like your inconsiderate to me and forgetful and sometimes feeling you’re using me for sex. Sometimes not all the time. I really like you and I do hope this works. 

Wow wasn’t expecting that

I just got diagnosed with manic bipolar. This whole time when i was having these mood swings it was due to being bipolar. I didn’t know people didnt haave inconsistent days as frequent as I do. Look I’m looking to give up that’s always my issue. Even SA i still will help. But I need my time with bipolar more than anything first. Like they say I can’t help you if i can’t help myself. So in order to do anything I’ll need to do readjust. I’m not lie I cried. I thought I did it. I cured social anxiety and I did for myself at least. But what I didnt see was getting diagnosed with bipolar. I’m not going to lie the meds is making me numb and  a walking vegetable which i didnt want like my bro. I will do what it takes to make me back to who i am.

Learning to live

Not gonna lie today kinda sucks but it’s ok. I realize I do suffer from depression and social anxiety. It’s something I’m going to have to deal with. Yes can I get out for sure! But maintaining it hard. But to expect everyday to be amazing is unrealistic to. I’m just confused. But I am trying my best in whatever mindset I’m in. And being open about it felt scary to begin with but I don’t regret it. Yeah I’ll always get the stories like are you ok? Or making sure I’m fine. I do love the people who support me and take care of me. This is somethin I’m going to have to fight and keep going. We can do this. I can do this. 

Mental health

I’ve never been so open about what I’m going through. That I do get social anxiety most of the time and do get depressed sometimes. Does it suck? Absolutely. Let me tell you this battle is absolutely exhausting. But I always have this little thread of hope to hold on too and grab to pull me back up everytime it strikes. And being so open about this .. Made me so unbelievably raw. Telling the people closest to me what was happening? This secret that I’ve been keeping for so long? Trying to be strong that it was just a facade? It was hard. So raw. But I’m glad I did it. I still have a few more to tell. But I’m feeling less and less ashamed of it. Yes of course I cared if someone was going to judge me but this is something that happens to me. It’s not me but it is something that does hit me and it hits hard. I would be lying to say it’s easy it isn’t. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even the disorder or if it’s just me. But that question isn’t important it’s the fact I will keep moving forward. Because I will and I can. 

I’m confused with who I am. I’m just utterly confused.. It seems now that I’m more open that I get depressed and that I obsess and tell people what is really going in my head. They don’t understand? They look at me with consideration and sympathy but don’t understand why I’m like this? Or why I’m thinking so much. I just do. I’ve been doing this since I was a kid. People always thought I just kept to myself when I was a kid and I did. And I hated that I was different and that I wasn’t like everybody else. So I started adapting different behaviour to fit in. And I was happy but also sad too. I would go from being extremely happy to depressed to anxious to confused. I know no one knows the answer to life. But I think more frustrated than anything. I just want to live fulfilled. I feel like I’m over complicating life. 

I’m letting it go

I think I’ve come to realize that I’m striving for something that’s unattainable. And I’m finally accepting it. To live my life just striving for goals that would increase my social status and income was making me miserable. I like doing what I’m good at. It makes me feel great about myself. And being a cashier made me remember that I was good at something. Yes its safe but I felt good about it. I only cared about quitting so much because I kept telling myself this isn’t what I want. I wasn’t accepting of it. I wasn’t accepting of me because other people devalue this job. Devalue the friends you have. Devalue all of that. I was making myself miserable trying to impress other people. My friends. My dad. My parents. To make them proud of my accomplishments. But I was literally killing myself over it. Determined to make it and forcing myself not to be honest with myself without acknowledging my limitations and strengths.  I always come back to this moment as hard as it to accept I think I’m finally accepting it. I’m not always going to feel great but thats normal. Everyone’s life will have its up and downs. And am I still going to have fear and anxiety over certain situations. Of course. But I’m also going to remind myself of realistic expectations for me. Having unrealistic expectations for me I was constantly setting myself up for failure. I’m accepting myself for me. And if there’s stuff I want to try well I’ll try even if those desruptive thoughts come up. I’ll rearrange them to make them realistic and not unrealistic.

Woo

Ok talking about my anxiety and depression everyday is kind of depressing for me. I’m putting way too much focus on it. It does get in the way and it’s healthy to realize that it’s there but I don’t need to constantly think about it. I just got to manage it. Know when its too much and when I’m doing too little. And cope when necessary. And relax and be positive and have fun too. I know I can do this. I know I can still make it and that’s the truth! I’ll have to make adjustments but that’s ok. I got this. And if I need money I’ll just be a maid LOL on the said not that bad. Honestly. I have it a lot better than other people. I really do. 

Ok I feel better

I’m glad I aired out what I felt to people around me. You know what? I think I’m just not that material to go after things like I do. I grew up thinking I was invincible. Boy was I wrong haha. It’s hard. And I have to be honest with myself. I do time to time get depressed and take things really hard. And I don’t think it’s a great to have these characteristics doing really challenging and high pressure things. I have to be real with myself. Do I really want to make myself miserable and try to achieve jobs with high status and recognition? It affects me outside as much as the inside. Honestly I just want to make the most of the time I have here. I’ll work hard for income that doesn’t require thinking. And just develop relationships around me. Isn’t that what life is all about? I hate having to feel stressed and go through emotional up and downs. And I mean really rough emotional up and downs. Will I have to make changes to way I spend and the way I think about making things yes. But that I can handle. With all the things I’m going to stress about I’ll deal with it then. I’ll always save for a rainy day. I just want to be able to be happy, eat, be great with the relationships around me, and just keep doing it. To do life with things I’m good at  the best I can. 

  • I’m feeling low right now. I’m tired and I haven’t slept for a while. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I just feel hopeless and not going to lie a little bit suicidal. And then I realized the things that are causing me pain are people. Peoples opinions of me. Peoples expectations I assume. It’s my interpretation of other people. But is that worth my life? No. It isn’t. It really isn’t. Do I need to change mybinterpretation? Yes for sure but also remember that people’s opinions aren’t worth my life. What’s more important?? Like for real though??? Do what you got to do and if people have their opinions so what? It isn’t worth your life remember that. I want to be surrounded by love now. And do things that keep me busy. That’s the point not all these oerfect, materialistic, things. I guess what I’m realizing is these things don’t mean much. Because of a Chanel bag is not worth my life. 

I’m not used to it yet

Being so openly vulnerable and honest feels like I’m leaving myself open. Even though I just told my bestfriends. It feels like I gave a piece of my heart to them. To say my weaknesses. To say what I’m scared of. And the fact that I told them I feel like  I need to act like this sad puppy dog around them about it. It’s like saying it makes it real and I have to be like it. Sounds crazy right? And absolutely doesn’t make sense. I don’t have to act the way I say what I feel. I don’t know it just feels so unnatural. I have to say living with your heart open is scary. But the moment I realized that its just pain that’s going to happen because of the fear it made me not scared anymore. I can tolerate pain. And it will pass.